Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they all belong to J.K. Rowling. Wait! Except the counselor. That one's mine. Oh, and any spelling and/or grammar errors are mine as well, much as I would like them to not be (as in, not exist).
"I'm so glad we've decided to settle this like civilized people," remarked Hermione as she seated herself between Harry and Ron. The Order of the Phoenix, joined recently by the newly-graduated Trio, and Voldemort with his Deatheaters had decided to cease the useless violence and "talk things out."
They would be discussing their issues over a meal, guided by a professional counselor. The large round table was halfway surrounded by Voldemort and his inner circle; the other half was occupied by Dumbledore and most of the Order.
"Now," said the counselor as the gruop helped themselves to food, "let's start with you, Mr. Voldemort."
"It's Lord Voldemort," snapped Lord Voldemort irritably.
"Sorry. Lord Voldemort, you go first. Why do you want to kill Mr. Potter?"
"Because one of us has to kill the other. It's in a prophecy. And, obviously, I don't want to die."
"Of course not. Now, Mr. Potter, do you really want to kill Lord Voldemort?"
"No, but I don't want to be killed either."
"Well, then! I don't see any problem here!"
Harry and Voldemort glanced at each other. "You don't?" they asked in unison.
"If neither of you tries to kill the other, neither of you will die! At least, not on purpose. It's quite simple, really," quipped the counselor. (A/N: I'm not sure why I used the word "quipped" there, but you have to admit it's a cool word...)
"In that case," said Voldemort as he stood and raised his glass of wine, "I propose- Lucius! Stop flicking peas at Dumbledore!"
Lucius pouted. "But his beard is so... monotonous, Master! I was just trying to give it some color," he whined.
"Too bad. If it bothers you that much, don't look at it. Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Voldemort glared at the elder Malfoy who was now busily sulking, "I propose a toast to- Lucius! No note passing! I'll read it out loud if you pass it!"
"I was just giving Miss Granger the name of a hair care potion that might be able to tame that bush she calls hair," explained Lucius petulantly.
"Yes, I'm sure you're just trying to be helpful, but it's very distracting. Stop. And Severus, stop making faces at Lucius! Lucius! I told you to stop flicking peas at people!"
"Perhaps," interrupted Dumbledore, "we should get rid of the food since your followers seem to be behaving rather childishly." His eyes twinkled at the scowling Severus as the Potions Master was hit with a pea.
Unfortunately, the aged headmaster's suggestion came too late, as Lucius's bad aim caused a pea to slam into Remus Lupin's eye. Lupin yelped and quickly retaliated with a spoonful of mashed potatoes. The potatoes splatted directly onto Lucius's face, causing him to yell and throw his spoon in astonishment. He began furiously rubbing his eyes to remove the offending carbohydrates.
The loose spoon hit Draco, who was seated next to his father, with great force on his temple. He shouted in pain and elbowed his father in retribution.
Lucius was knocked towards the Dark Lord, his flailing elbows hitting the Dark Lord's arm, causing Voldemort to sputter as he found himself with a face full of wine. The Dark Lord retaliated as well, and soon an all-out food fight had started.
Harry hurled his section of corn cob at Draco Malfoy, but the Slytherin ducked and Voldemort took the blow. The two rivals were too caught up in their personal battle, and everyone else with their own fight for survival, for anyone to notice the Dark Lord had toppled over motionless.
In fact, it wasn't until Crabbe clumsily tripped over You-Know-Who's prone body that anyone noticed at all. By the time everyone had stopped fighting (or snogging in the corner in Ron and Hermione's case), Voldemort had been stepped on several times, which did not help his condition.
He was examined thoroughly by a mediwizard from Saint Mungo's and pronounced dead. "It appears," said the doctor, "that he was choking on a piece of roast beef. The corn cob knocked it loose, but when he hit the ground, the fallen corn crushed his skull in. You-Know-Who has been defeated at last."
"Well, that's a relief," said Harry. "He poisoned my wine and I'd've had to drink it for a toast in a bit." At the incredulous looks from those around him, he felt compelled to add, "What? You think I never paid attention in Potions or to Moody?"
Snape made the snarky comment, "Actually, yes, we did," producing great laughter. The story quickly spread, and there was much rejoicing in the wizarding world.
A/N: The "death by corn cob" thing was inspired by a Dilbert strip, so thanks to Scott Adams for writing it, even though I made up how the ear of corn would actually cause death by myself. I was tempted to add something about Lucius Malfoy starting a hair salon, but it didn't fit right. These plot bunnies tend to jump out at me randomly. They always seem to end up as humorous short stories, too. Hmm... Maybe it's my muses... They just don't seem to be good at keeping my longer stories fueled. Or they give me ideas for what to put later in the story, but no way of getting there. Honestly, I don't know why I keep y'all.
SIRIUS, REMUS, & JAMES: ::grin:: 'Cause we're cute?
ME: Hmph. It's not like you're good for anything else. That must be it.